Ep. 7: Get Out of Your Comfort Zone
Intimacy is a scary thing to a lot of people! As a person who requires full personal care to live because of her disability, Mandi and her husband experience levels of intimacy many non-interabled couples do not. In today's episode, Mandi candidly shares about intimate moments with her husband, her feelings about them, and how to make them Beautiful.
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Transcript
Mandi: Mandi Frantz here welcoming you to my podcast - Find Your Beautiful: Life Through the Eyes of a Christian Disabled Woman.
Please be advised that today's episode contains mature content. You may want to listen without little ears around.
On top of this strict privacy method, my mom made it clear to me from a very young age that no one should be touching me, except for family or my home health aide, and only when caring for my needs. Boys were a big no no! This was obviously a great thing to teach and instill in me, but we never had a conversation that would really prepare me for a guy caring for me. I grew up very female-centric, so transitioning to marriage and being more dependent on my husband was quite uncomfortable at first.
Most women are able to hide the things that are traditionally considered un-lady like, kinda gross, and very private, at least for a while. However, there was no way for me to poop without needing help wiping, have a period without needing to be changed, or clean myself up after sex. If you're starting to feel uncomfortable, get ready! Today, I'm going to share about some of these intimate experiences and how my husband and I worked together to make them Beautiful.
Mandi: I've shared in past episodes about the struggle many people with disabilities go through to get long-term home care. It is very difficult and you have to prove that you are unable to survive without a worker caring for you. My mom advocated for me to have a home health aide since I was four years old. She was able to get this because she was a single parent who was working multiple jobs to support her daughters. However, my mother only worked during the day and she and my sister would care for me at night. While it is easy to decrease the number of hours you need an attendant, it is very hard to get more hours, especially 24-hour care. It is nearly impossible to get this full-time care when you have anyone in the home who can take care of you. I'm sharing this information because it will help you understand why my husband had to care for me and why we were forced to have intimate interactions regarding my care very quickly.
For the last two weeks, I shared about our dating relationship. The day we got married, like many women, I was very nervous. I was a virgin and knew that day would be the last day I could say that. While I had the normal jitters about my first time having sex, there were added nerves because of the differences of my body. It would be the first time my husband would see all of my contractures. It would be the first time he would truly know the limitations in my range of motion. He would discover that sex with me would not be like it was in the movies. With severely limited mobility of my arms, hands, and legs, I feared I wouldn't be able to satisfy him and that eventually, he might stray to someone who could. Yes, these thoughts ran through my mind as I said, "I do" at the alter.
Our wedding reception ended and we headed to the hotel room. The big moment was quickly approaching. I won't get too graphic here, but I will say I had to ask for folded towels to prop up my pelvis and give a lot of direction on what made me most comfortable. It was a magical evening in its own right, but it wasn't movie perfect. We weren't whispering sweet nothings to each other and we stopped several times to regroup, think creatively, and then try again. In fact, I cried. I cried out of fear. Fear that I wasn't attractive. Fear that my husband might feel frustrated. I also laughed. Laughed at the awkwardness of it. Laughed knowing that a day like today would come when I would look back on that night and replay it in my mind as a comedy. We reassured each other a lot. We kissed and cuddled. We committed to having a healthy sex life, but to not be bound by what society says is healthy. From that night forward, we were dedicated to finding positions that worked for us, frequency that worked for us, and different ways besides sex to be deeply intimate with each other.
I'm not sharing this to be inappropriately graphic, or because I want you involved in this very personal part of our marriage. I'm sharing it because I need everyone to know that disability does not equal no sex life, or no sexuality. We enjoy sex just as much as the next person. People with disabilities do think about aspects of our bodies and how to make it work, differently than some, but this can often mean we're better lovers because we have to be more creative! The last point about sex in interabled relationships I want to emphasize is that sexual satisfaction in many of these relationships, including my own, is mutual. One of the greatest misconceptions typically functioning people have, and one of the biggest fears people with disabilities have, is that the relationship in every aspect is one-sided. This is not true. People with disabilities can and do meet the needs of their spouses, including their sexual needs.
Whew, that was kind of a heavy subject, so let's lighten the mood with another situation that terrified me, but now makes us both laugh. Poop! We now chuckle about poop, especially since having two baby boys. However, I was so scared to poop in front of Curtis. I didn't want him to hear me fart. I didn't want him to see my face as I went. This is a situation most people don't experience. The first time Curtis sat me on the toilet to poop, I shooed him out of the bathroom and did my business. I sat there for a good minute not wanting to call him back, but eventually I did. I remember Curtis smiling and looking at me lovingly. He knew I was on the verge of tears. He quietly helped me clean up and I started apologizing profusely. He hugged me and made jokes about how much worse his poop clean-up for himself was. I laughed through tears of discomfort and with every go, it just got easier and easier. Now, I shout from across the house, "I gotta poooop!" and we laugh or literally think nothing of it.
My period experience with my husband was pretty similar to my poop experience. It was extremely uncomfortable, but he loved me through my embarrassment. Not long after, we realized this is just part of life. Specifically with my period, we talked about the fact that this is the system God created for me to have babies. While cleaning up blood is not beautiful, the underlying purpose definitely is. Having this view made it much easier to accept this as part of our monthly routine.
I know today's episode was heavy and may have made some people really uncomfortable. If you're still listening, thank you for letting me pull you out of your comfort zone. These are the practical details people wonder about and I believe it's important for everyone for different reasons to hear this story. It's important to view my story as an example. I can only share my experience, but I know there are others like me, other people with disabilities who share similar experiences. We don't want to be pressured to share these intimate details of our lives, but I do realize that human connection and compassion begin with common ground. I share with the typically functioning person in hopes that you have a better understanding of how our similarities and differences can bring us together. I share with my fellow disabled friends to say you're not alone and your Beautiful awaits you just outside your comfort zone!
Mandi: This podcast is now available on iTunes, Google Podcasts, and Spotify! Visit my website linked in the description to get access to all the platforms. I encourage you to download Anchor Mobile App, so you can send me up to 1 minute voice messages with your responses and questions. Your message might even get featured in an episode! If writing is more your thing, you can email me at th3mandibox@gmail.com, or find me on social media at MandiboxBeauty.
[Mandi voiceover to 'Compton' music]: Next week I'll be confronting my friends with disabilities on some hard hitting topics in an episode called, "No More Excuses." ‘Til next time Beauties!
Mandi: Mandi Frantz here welcoming you to my podcast - Find Your Beautiful: Life Through the Eyes of a Christian Disabled Woman.
Please be advised that today's episode contains mature content. You may want to listen without little ears around.
[Upbeat Background Music]
Mandi: Disability and next level intimacy often go hand in hand. As a person who needs full care for all my activities of daily living, privacy looks very different for me than it does for typically functioning people. Interestingly, my family is very private. Despite growing up with three sisters, we weren't the stereotypical females who went to the bathroom together, swapped clothing, or were comfortable being in our underwear in front of each other. Growing up, my privacy consisted of covering up parts of my body that had no reason to be exposed at any given time. If my right leg was being washed, my left leg was covered by a towel or blanket. Nudity in front of anyone was generally uncomfortable.
On top of this strict privacy method, my mom made it clear to me from a very young age that no one should be touching me, except for family or my home health aide, and only when caring for my needs. Boys were a big no no! This was obviously a great thing to teach and instill in me, but we never had a conversation that would really prepare me for a guy caring for me. I grew up very female-centric, so transitioning to marriage and being more dependent on my husband was quite uncomfortable at first.
Most women are able to hide the things that are traditionally considered un-lady like, kinda gross, and very private, at least for a while. However, there was no way for me to poop without needing help wiping, have a period without needing to be changed, or clean myself up after sex. If you're starting to feel uncomfortable, get ready! Today, I'm going to share about some of these intimate experiences and how my husband and I worked together to make them Beautiful.
[Mandi voices Ad (ads change and will vary)]
[Doorbell Sound Effect]
Mandi: I've shared in past episodes about the struggle many people with disabilities go through to get long-term home care. It is very difficult and you have to prove that you are unable to survive without a worker caring for you. My mom advocated for me to have a home health aide since I was four years old. She was able to get this because she was a single parent who was working multiple jobs to support her daughters. However, my mother only worked during the day and she and my sister would care for me at night. While it is easy to decrease the number of hours you need an attendant, it is very hard to get more hours, especially 24-hour care. It is nearly impossible to get this full-time care when you have anyone in the home who can take care of you. I'm sharing this information because it will help you understand why my husband had to care for me and why we were forced to have intimate interactions regarding my care very quickly.
For the last two weeks, I shared about our dating relationship. The day we got married, like many women, I was very nervous. I was a virgin and knew that day would be the last day I could say that. While I had the normal jitters about my first time having sex, there were added nerves because of the differences of my body. It would be the first time my husband would see all of my contractures. It would be the first time he would truly know the limitations in my range of motion. He would discover that sex with me would not be like it was in the movies. With severely limited mobility of my arms, hands, and legs, I feared I wouldn't be able to satisfy him and that eventually, he might stray to someone who could. Yes, these thoughts ran through my mind as I said, "I do" at the alter.
Our wedding reception ended and we headed to the hotel room. The big moment was quickly approaching. I won't get too graphic here, but I will say I had to ask for folded towels to prop up my pelvis and give a lot of direction on what made me most comfortable. It was a magical evening in its own right, but it wasn't movie perfect. We weren't whispering sweet nothings to each other and we stopped several times to regroup, think creatively, and then try again. In fact, I cried. I cried out of fear. Fear that I wasn't attractive. Fear that my husband might feel frustrated. I also laughed. Laughed at the awkwardness of it. Laughed knowing that a day like today would come when I would look back on that night and replay it in my mind as a comedy. We reassured each other a lot. We kissed and cuddled. We committed to having a healthy sex life, but to not be bound by what society says is healthy. From that night forward, we were dedicated to finding positions that worked for us, frequency that worked for us, and different ways besides sex to be deeply intimate with each other.
I'm not sharing this to be inappropriately graphic, or because I want you involved in this very personal part of our marriage. I'm sharing it because I need everyone to know that disability does not equal no sex life, or no sexuality. We enjoy sex just as much as the next person. People with disabilities do think about aspects of our bodies and how to make it work, differently than some, but this can often mean we're better lovers because we have to be more creative! The last point about sex in interabled relationships I want to emphasize is that sexual satisfaction in many of these relationships, including my own, is mutual. One of the greatest misconceptions typically functioning people have, and one of the biggest fears people with disabilities have, is that the relationship in every aspect is one-sided. This is not true. People with disabilities can and do meet the needs of their spouses, including their sexual needs.
Whew, that was kind of a heavy subject, so let's lighten the mood with another situation that terrified me, but now makes us both laugh. Poop! We now chuckle about poop, especially since having two baby boys. However, I was so scared to poop in front of Curtis. I didn't want him to hear me fart. I didn't want him to see my face as I went. This is a situation most people don't experience. The first time Curtis sat me on the toilet to poop, I shooed him out of the bathroom and did my business. I sat there for a good minute not wanting to call him back, but eventually I did. I remember Curtis smiling and looking at me lovingly. He knew I was on the verge of tears. He quietly helped me clean up and I started apologizing profusely. He hugged me and made jokes about how much worse his poop clean-up for himself was. I laughed through tears of discomfort and with every go, it just got easier and easier. Now, I shout from across the house, "I gotta poooop!" and we laugh or literally think nothing of it.
My period experience with my husband was pretty similar to my poop experience. It was extremely uncomfortable, but he loved me through my embarrassment. Not long after, we realized this is just part of life. Specifically with my period, we talked about the fact that this is the system God created for me to have babies. While cleaning up blood is not beautiful, the underlying purpose definitely is. Having this view made it much easier to accept this as part of our monthly routine.
I know today's episode was heavy and may have made some people really uncomfortable. If you're still listening, thank you for letting me pull you out of your comfort zone. These are the practical details people wonder about and I believe it's important for everyone for different reasons to hear this story. It's important to view my story as an example. I can only share my experience, but I know there are others like me, other people with disabilities who share similar experiences. We don't want to be pressured to share these intimate details of our lives, but I do realize that human connection and compassion begin with common ground. I share with the typically functioning person in hopes that you have a better understanding of how our similarities and differences can bring us together. I share with my fellow disabled friends to say you're not alone and your Beautiful awaits you just outside your comfort zone!
[Sudden Transition Sound]
Mandi: In case you haven't heard, my podcast now has a website! Go to the description of any episode, or to my Instagram bio at MandiBoxBeauty to check it out. On my website, you can listen to episodes, read full transcripts, and contact me. Be sure you sign up for my Very Important Beauty (V.I.B.) club while you're there. The first email you'll get from me includes the very first letter Curtis ever wrote to me!
[Bling]
Mandi: This podcast is now available on iTunes, Google Podcasts, and Spotify! Visit my website linked in the description to get access to all the platforms. I encourage you to download Anchor Mobile App, so you can send me up to 1 minute voice messages with your responses and questions. Your message might even get featured in an episode! If writing is more your thing, you can email me at th3mandibox@gmail.com, or find me on social media at MandiboxBeauty.
[Mandi voiceover to 'Compton' music]: Next week I'll be confronting my friends with disabilities on some hard hitting topics in an episode called, "No More Excuses." ‘Til next time Beauties!
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