Ep. 8: No More Excuses
We are living in an emotionally heightened and sensitive society in America. Words and behaviors once acceptable can now put you in jail. In this ever-changing climate, it can be challenging for typically functioning people to really understand how to interact with their disabled peers. In this episode, Mandi speaks directly to the disability community, calling them out on things they are doing that hinder the social justice we desperately seek.
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Transcript
Mandi: Mandi Frantz here welcoming you to my podcast - Find Your Beautiful: Life Through the Eyes of a Christian Disabled Woman.
Mandi: I have a top two list of questions people with disabilities ask me. First, they ask me about my marriage, not about how it functions so much as how I got to be married to a typically functioning person. The second is about my work. Many people with disabilities seem surprised at the position I hold and how I came to have that role. I believe most of these questions are based on the fact that people with disabilities admire my life. I'm not trying to toot my own horn. In fact, like all people, no one truly understands the struggle and sacrifices I've made to achieve my current lifestyle. However, there are some important, and perhaps seemingly harsh, answers I have for my friends with disabilities. Let's discuss these answers as responses to the top two questions I just mentioned.
How did I come to find a husband without a disability? The simplest answer is God. However, I know many of you are looking for a more concrete, practical answer. What did I do? What did I say? I often get these types of questions from women with disabilities who are longing for the companionship I have been blessed with. I'm here to tell you that there are things you are doing wrong! Many of you don't want to date someone with a disability. I understand your reasons. Particularly for those of you who have more severe limitations, like myself, you want to be with someone who compliments your abilities, someone who can help take care of you. You want these things in your hearts, but your actions often say otherwise. If the only community events you are going to are those specifically geared towards people with disabilities, then it is very unlikely that you will find a typically functioning partner. If every time you go out, it is with your parents, it will become difficult for a typically functioning person to comfortably approach you. Most importantly, if you are focused constantly on what you believe you're lacking, you're disability, and anything you view as an imperfection, so will any potential partners.
You must come out of yourself! You must take reasonable risks! You must gain confidence and struggle to be as independent as possible. If you are not feeling a little scared about your life because you are doing things on your own, I'd say you are not really ready for the type of relationship you so desire. But how, Mandi? How do I go out on my own if I need help? I need my parents to help me travel. These are legitimate questions and concerns. I am fully dependent on others to help me with everything physical, from opening doors to pushing elevator buttons. One of the most important lessons I have learned is that I need to redefine the idea of independence. I don't want to be independent in the strictest sense of the word. I want to be interdependent. My independence comes into play when I get to choose the people I'm interdependent with.
What I'm trying to say is that I recognize you need help. I recognize you may not be able to do things completely on your own. I'm strongly suggesting that you choose who you depend on. Maybe you go out with a home attendant, or a friend who can help you instead. I promise this makes a big difference in your approach-ability.
Going back to the types of events you participate in. You have to stretch yourself! You need to go to public spaces and not just on the days when they have an inclusion activity. Go bowling. Go out to a diner, a bar, the library. It doesn't matter where as long as there are a mix of abilities in the room. Now don't get me wrong. I believe we all need to have time spent within a community who truly understands us, and this includes spending time with other disabled friends. However, if every time you go out to one of these mixed ability events or locations, you are trailed by a group of other people with disabilities, typically functioning people are less likely to view you as approachable, particularly for dating purposes.
I'm not saying this is right and as I said at the start, my message to typically functioning people will come soon. I'm not talking about right or wrong here. I'm simply telling you what I've observed and sharing the knowledge I've used to navigate our world. Simply put, leave your parents at home and set yourself up for dating success by practicing independence through choosing the people you're interdependent on. Also, broaden your network by engaging in mixed ability activities and getting out of your comfort zone.
Now let's talk about work. As you may know, I am the Executive Director of KEEN New York. KEEN empowers youth with disabilities by providing free non-competitive one-to-one programs of exercise, fitness, and fun led by volunteer coaches. I started working at KEEN in 2015 as a part-time Program Coordinator. I have never been an Executive Director before, never managed a budget over $3000, and never worked directly with a Board of Directors. I did not finish college and of course, there's my physical limitations. So, how do you climb the ladder as I did? Know your worth!
You, my friend, have so much to offer. You are smart and creative. You're a strong problem solver and you don't let obstacles stand in your way of achieving your goals. You are assertive and compassionate. You have great people skills and your patience lasts nearly forever. Whatever qualities you have, own them! This isn't about a lack of humility. This is about you having self-awareness. This is about knowing who you are. Please stop leading the conversation from a disability perspective. The discussion about accommodations will come, but by the time it does, your potential employer needs to feel like there is nothing that will stop them from hiring you.
Your qualifications don't have to be based on your education or work experience. However, never stop learning. When the position for Executive Director opened up, my husband encouraged me to throw my name in the mix to be considered. I wrote an email to the Board President requesting a meeting. I considered the job and opened up a notebook. In this notebook, I matched up my ability to the tasks and I wrote down why I think I'm a great employee. Yes, I did go into that meeting with my notes in hand. I listed off my bullet points and shared all the reasons I was right for the job. I also acknowledged the things I would need to learn. I didn't need anyone to tell me what I couldn't do. I would find a way, or make it so that thing was no longer needed. I was willing to learn too. Don't be cocky, be confident. Remember, your caregiver won't be around forever. Show your employer that you're a grown person who handles your own business. There will be tons of rejection, and while it very well may be because of your disability, don't get hung up on this. Typically functioning people get rejected too. As Dory says, "Just keep swimmin'."
The last thing I need to discuss here is probably the hardest for me to articulate. Remember I am disabled so I am speaking from a true understanding of the struggle. However, we must stop being so dang confusing to people. You can't have the best of both worlds and expect people not to be irritated. You can't say, "Treat me like you would anyone else" and then turn around and be upset that you have to wait in line and that the security guard didn't just wave you through. You can't fight for equal access to transportation and then get mad when the public transit driver asks you to pay your fare. Basically, you can't use your disability like a card to be played. If you do, then you have to deal with the consequences of that, which include being called out by someone like me because you're making it harder for us to achieve true justice. Also, please stop being so angry. A lot of people say and do dumb and micro-aggressive things, but often their hearts are in the right place. You may not want to be the "poster child" for disability, but you can't expect people to learn if they don't have a teacher. You can't be angry at the typically functioning person leading discussions about disability if you're unwilling to do it. Seeing beyond disability comes through authentic relationship. You can't be apathetic to this. If you're not actively working to build solid relationships to benefit the disabled community, then you are actively hindering our progress. Learn when to fight and how to fight so that justice can prevail, so that we can all find our Beautiful.
Mandi: In case you haven't heard, my podcast now has a website! Go to the description of any episode, or to my Instagram bio at MandiBoxBeauty to check it out. On my website, you can listen to episodes, read full transcripts, and contact me. Be sure you sign up for my Very Important Beauty (V.I.B.) club while you're there. The first email you'll get from me includes the very first letter Curtis ever wrote to me!
This podcast is now available on iTunes, Google Podcasts, and Spotify! Visit my website linked in the description to get access to all the platforms. I encourage you to download Anchor Mobile App, so you can send me up to 1 minute voice messages with your responses and questions. Your message might even get featured in an episode! If writing is more your thing, you can email me at th3mandibox@gmail.com, or find me on social media at MandiboxBeauty.
[Mandi voiceover to 'Compton' music]: Next week I'll be turning the tables on all my typically functioning friends in an episode called, "Not Without My Disability." ‘Til next time Beauties!
Mandi: Mandi Frantz here welcoming you to my podcast - Find Your Beautiful: Life Through the Eyes of a Christian Disabled Woman.
[Upbeat Background Music]
Mandi: The world is a very confusing place. On the one hand, I was taught to always be polite, politically correct, and sugar-coat to avoid hurting people's feelings. I was raised to hold my tongue a lot, not because I'm generally a rude person, but because a lot of people don't like to be corrected, or confronted with their own ignorance. On the other hand, there is the Feminist Movement and this whole idea of speaking your mind and sharing your truth. My truth is not always pretty and definitely not always polite, politically correct, or sugar-coated. This may surprise some of my listeners, depending on the context in which we've interacted, but in order to truly share my Beautiful with you, I must be transparent.
Keeping this in mind, I'll be talking to all my friends with disabilities today. It doesn't matter what type of disability you have because what I have to say is truth across the board. Many of my typically functioning listeners are likely going to nod in agreement and might even get a little self-righteous. I warn you, though, that your time of truth and confronting on this podcast will come very soon.
My friends with disabilities will either be super motivated and excited to go to the next level in their lives, or they'll be offended and say I don't understand their circumstance. Please try to remember that I am sharing from my actual experience and from a heart of love. Unlike many people, I'm not just telling you what I think you want to hear, or what I read in some self-help book. I'm being real and giving it to you raw so that you can Find Your Beautiful.
Are you ready?
Keeping this in mind, I'll be talking to all my friends with disabilities today. It doesn't matter what type of disability you have because what I have to say is truth across the board. Many of my typically functioning listeners are likely going to nod in agreement and might even get a little self-righteous. I warn you, though, that your time of truth and confronting on this podcast will come very soon.
My friends with disabilities will either be super motivated and excited to go to the next level in their lives, or they'll be offended and say I don't understand their circumstance. Please try to remember that I am sharing from my actual experience and from a heart of love. Unlike many people, I'm not just telling you what I think you want to hear, or what I read in some self-help book. I'm being real and giving it to you raw so that you can Find Your Beautiful.
Are you ready?
[Mandi voices Ad (ads change and will vary)]
[Doorbell Sound Effect]
Mandi: I have a top two list of questions people with disabilities ask me. First, they ask me about my marriage, not about how it functions so much as how I got to be married to a typically functioning person. The second is about my work. Many people with disabilities seem surprised at the position I hold and how I came to have that role. I believe most of these questions are based on the fact that people with disabilities admire my life. I'm not trying to toot my own horn. In fact, like all people, no one truly understands the struggle and sacrifices I've made to achieve my current lifestyle. However, there are some important, and perhaps seemingly harsh, answers I have for my friends with disabilities. Let's discuss these answers as responses to the top two questions I just mentioned.
How did I come to find a husband without a disability? The simplest answer is God. However, I know many of you are looking for a more concrete, practical answer. What did I do? What did I say? I often get these types of questions from women with disabilities who are longing for the companionship I have been blessed with. I'm here to tell you that there are things you are doing wrong! Many of you don't want to date someone with a disability. I understand your reasons. Particularly for those of you who have more severe limitations, like myself, you want to be with someone who compliments your abilities, someone who can help take care of you. You want these things in your hearts, but your actions often say otherwise. If the only community events you are going to are those specifically geared towards people with disabilities, then it is very unlikely that you will find a typically functioning partner. If every time you go out, it is with your parents, it will become difficult for a typically functioning person to comfortably approach you. Most importantly, if you are focused constantly on what you believe you're lacking, you're disability, and anything you view as an imperfection, so will any potential partners.
You must come out of yourself! You must take reasonable risks! You must gain confidence and struggle to be as independent as possible. If you are not feeling a little scared about your life because you are doing things on your own, I'd say you are not really ready for the type of relationship you so desire. But how, Mandi? How do I go out on my own if I need help? I need my parents to help me travel. These are legitimate questions and concerns. I am fully dependent on others to help me with everything physical, from opening doors to pushing elevator buttons. One of the most important lessons I have learned is that I need to redefine the idea of independence. I don't want to be independent in the strictest sense of the word. I want to be interdependent. My independence comes into play when I get to choose the people I'm interdependent with.
What I'm trying to say is that I recognize you need help. I recognize you may not be able to do things completely on your own. I'm strongly suggesting that you choose who you depend on. Maybe you go out with a home attendant, or a friend who can help you instead. I promise this makes a big difference in your approach-ability.
Going back to the types of events you participate in. You have to stretch yourself! You need to go to public spaces and not just on the days when they have an inclusion activity. Go bowling. Go out to a diner, a bar, the library. It doesn't matter where as long as there are a mix of abilities in the room. Now don't get me wrong. I believe we all need to have time spent within a community who truly understands us, and this includes spending time with other disabled friends. However, if every time you go out to one of these mixed ability events or locations, you are trailed by a group of other people with disabilities, typically functioning people are less likely to view you as approachable, particularly for dating purposes.
I'm not saying this is right and as I said at the start, my message to typically functioning people will come soon. I'm not talking about right or wrong here. I'm simply telling you what I've observed and sharing the knowledge I've used to navigate our world. Simply put, leave your parents at home and set yourself up for dating success by practicing independence through choosing the people you're interdependent on. Also, broaden your network by engaging in mixed ability activities and getting out of your comfort zone.
Now let's talk about work. As you may know, I am the Executive Director of KEEN New York. KEEN empowers youth with disabilities by providing free non-competitive one-to-one programs of exercise, fitness, and fun led by volunteer coaches. I started working at KEEN in 2015 as a part-time Program Coordinator. I have never been an Executive Director before, never managed a budget over $3000, and never worked directly with a Board of Directors. I did not finish college and of course, there's my physical limitations. So, how do you climb the ladder as I did? Know your worth!
You, my friend, have so much to offer. You are smart and creative. You're a strong problem solver and you don't let obstacles stand in your way of achieving your goals. You are assertive and compassionate. You have great people skills and your patience lasts nearly forever. Whatever qualities you have, own them! This isn't about a lack of humility. This is about you having self-awareness. This is about knowing who you are. Please stop leading the conversation from a disability perspective. The discussion about accommodations will come, but by the time it does, your potential employer needs to feel like there is nothing that will stop them from hiring you.
Your qualifications don't have to be based on your education or work experience. However, never stop learning. When the position for Executive Director opened up, my husband encouraged me to throw my name in the mix to be considered. I wrote an email to the Board President requesting a meeting. I considered the job and opened up a notebook. In this notebook, I matched up my ability to the tasks and I wrote down why I think I'm a great employee. Yes, I did go into that meeting with my notes in hand. I listed off my bullet points and shared all the reasons I was right for the job. I also acknowledged the things I would need to learn. I didn't need anyone to tell me what I couldn't do. I would find a way, or make it so that thing was no longer needed. I was willing to learn too. Don't be cocky, be confident. Remember, your caregiver won't be around forever. Show your employer that you're a grown person who handles your own business. There will be tons of rejection, and while it very well may be because of your disability, don't get hung up on this. Typically functioning people get rejected too. As Dory says, "Just keep swimmin'."
The last thing I need to discuss here is probably the hardest for me to articulate. Remember I am disabled so I am speaking from a true understanding of the struggle. However, we must stop being so dang confusing to people. You can't have the best of both worlds and expect people not to be irritated. You can't say, "Treat me like you would anyone else" and then turn around and be upset that you have to wait in line and that the security guard didn't just wave you through. You can't fight for equal access to transportation and then get mad when the public transit driver asks you to pay your fare. Basically, you can't use your disability like a card to be played. If you do, then you have to deal with the consequences of that, which include being called out by someone like me because you're making it harder for us to achieve true justice. Also, please stop being so angry. A lot of people say and do dumb and micro-aggressive things, but often their hearts are in the right place. You may not want to be the "poster child" for disability, but you can't expect people to learn if they don't have a teacher. You can't be angry at the typically functioning person leading discussions about disability if you're unwilling to do it. Seeing beyond disability comes through authentic relationship. You can't be apathetic to this. If you're not actively working to build solid relationships to benefit the disabled community, then you are actively hindering our progress. Learn when to fight and how to fight so that justice can prevail, so that we can all find our Beautiful.
[Sudden Transition Sound]
Mandi: Lay it on me! Are you feeling empowered and ready to conquer the world, or are you irritated by everything I just said and ready to fight me instead?
[Bling]
Mandi: In case you haven't heard, my podcast now has a website! Go to the description of any episode, or to my Instagram bio at MandiBoxBeauty to check it out. On my website, you can listen to episodes, read full transcripts, and contact me. Be sure you sign up for my Very Important Beauty (V.I.B.) club while you're there. The first email you'll get from me includes the very first letter Curtis ever wrote to me!
This podcast is now available on iTunes, Google Podcasts, and Spotify! Visit my website linked in the description to get access to all the platforms. I encourage you to download Anchor Mobile App, so you can send me up to 1 minute voice messages with your responses and questions. Your message might even get featured in an episode! If writing is more your thing, you can email me at th3mandibox@gmail.com, or find me on social media at MandiboxBeauty.
[Mandi voiceover to 'Compton' music]: Next week I'll be turning the tables on all my typically functioning friends in an episode called, "Not Without My Disability." ‘Til next time Beauties!
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