S4, Ep. 1.5: Fatherless (Part 2)

What would you say to the parent who abandoned you? Hear Mandi's message to her father in this exclusive bonus episode.

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Transcript

Mandi: Mandi Frantz here welcoming you to my podcast - Find Your Beautiful: Life Through the Eyes of a Christian Disabled Woman.  

[Upbeat Background Music]

Mandi: This episode is a challenging one for me, but might be part of my healing process. Last time we spoke, I told you about the relationship, or lack of relationship, I had with my father. Approximately 2 weeks before COVID-19 forced the world to shut down, my father died. From what I gather, it was unexpected, not only to me, but to his family. He went to the hospital for back surgery and I think he may have had a stroke. I heard his last few days alive in the hospital weren't pretty. He couldn't speak or really recognize people. In the end, he was on life-support and his family made the difficult decision of letting him go. 

After a week of debating whether or not I should go to his memorial service, I decided to attend. I felt that I needed to go for some type of closure. I'll be honest, a part of me, like a big part of me, was bitter. I wanted his family to see me. To remember me. To look me in the eyes, the ones that resemble his, and know that I was his daughter. That I was the forgotten one. 

I went and barely spoke to anyone. I only recognized his children, including his stepdaughter. She was the only one who made any effort to talk to me. I sat there as a church group prayed the rosary. The truth is that even in his death, I felt unseen and like I didn't belong. I thought about speaking. I thought about lashing out. In the end, I stayed quiet and only cried with my people. I'll admit, though, a part of me regrets holding my tongue. I regret allowing him to make me bury my hurt again, after all this time, even though I'm no longer a little girl. 

So, in this exclusive bonus episode, you'll hear what I wish I would've said at his service mixed with my message to him. Who knows? Maybe he'll hear me too.

    

[Mandi voices Ad (ads change and will vary)]

[Doorbell Sound Effect]

Mandi: Hi. You may or may not know who I am. I'm Amanda. Friends call me Mandi. I'm the forgotten one. Maybe I'm the hidden one. I'm Mikey's second oldest biological child. At least I think I'm the second oldest. See, I'm his daughter, but I can't really say I'm family. In fact, I barely knew the man. The last time I saw him was when I was 14, at his mother's wake. I'm 33 now. Before that one tragic day, I hadn't seen him since I was 6 or 7 years old. I have very vague memories of him or with him. In fact, what I do have are memories of everything he missed. 

Why am I so bitter? The truth is, I've led a pretty blessed life. But I'm bitter because he set the first example of how a man should treat a woman for me. I'm bitter because as I watched my sisters reconcile and have relationships with their dads, I never got the same chance. I'm bitter because I had the chance to say goodbye to my father-in-law, my husband's biological dad, but not my own. And yes, I'm angry with those of you in his family who knew of me, knew how to reach me, but waited until his death to reach out. I'm angry that you speak of sisterly love and refer to my children as your family, yet never reach out. It's not on me to pursue. No, it was Mikey's choice.

Children shouldn't pay any cost because adults can't get themselves together. Mikey, you should've fought harder. The excuses can only take you so far. I can't help, but feel like you were a coward. Like you were too afraid to face me. Too afraid to confront the child you abandoned. It's hard for me to admit that. To admit that I was abandoned.

One day my children will ask about their biological grandfather and I will tell them the truth. The truth is that he loved a family. It's just not a family I was invited into. Isn't that something? I wasn't invited into my own family. Why? I have beaten myself up asking this question. Was it my disability? Was it that all your children are darker than me? Was it that I look too much like my mother? Why? Even as an adult, I wonder if there is something more I should've done.

Were you waiting for me? Looking for me to make the first move? Well, now that opportunity is gone. While you all celebrate and honor his life, remember that a part of him, his own flesh and blood, a woman who carries his last name and hyphenated her married name to hold onto this lost part of her history is out here mourning. I'm not mourning his death, but his life, the one he chose to keep me out of. One day, I believe God will grant me the ability to forgive. To forgive not just him, but everyone who allowed him to think abandoning his daughter was an acceptable life choice. 

It hurts to be so angry and to love someone you never really knew. Would you be proud of me? Would you have felt like I earned your love? I hold onto the hope that maybe he had the same vision I did. That maybe he thought he had more time and would come to me some day. My greatest hope is that his soul found and accepted Jesus and that one day, when we meet again, I'll be so in awe of seeing my Creator face-to-face, that this void he left will be gone.  

I know one thing for sure. If you're listening, I'm no longer forgotten. I'm no longer hidden. I'm no longer burdened by being an abandoned daughter. And because my God is so merciful, I've never truly been fatherless.

    

[Bling]

Mandi: Thank you for being part of my healing. If you grew up without your biological father, or parents, you are not alone and know that you are worthy of love. In fact, you are loved by the One who truly matters. My heart and prayers go out to you.

If you want to connect with me live, follow me on my Facebook Business page at MandiBox Beauty. I'll be livestreaming my Friday Fireside Chat at 9pm EST tomorrow and will announce the winners of a free box of Big Kyle's Little Truffles.

If you find value in my podcast and story, please leave a review on my on my website at mandiboxbeauty.com. You can also connect with me on Instagram at MandiBox Beauty. 

[Mandi voiceover to 'Compton' music]: What is it like to be a disabled church leader? Find out on Sunday at 5pm EST when I speak with a disabled minister. ‘Til next time Beauties.